16F malaysian (sabah): severe family abuse, failing Form 4, and absolute burnout. i feel trapped and need advice on how to survive
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hi everyone. im writing this because im completely overwhelmed, having a life crisis and i literally have nowhere else to turn. therapy isn't an option for me because my family struggles so much financially and they dont even believe in mental health. i’ve tried talking to school counselors and teachers before, but they just shamed me instead of helping im hoping to get some outside perspective or advice from you all on how to navigate my school choices and just survive my home life family and money stuff i was an unplanned child born before my parents married. my bio dad abandoned us after stealing money from my mom’s bank account, and i’ve never seen or heard from him in my life. i only know his name from my birth certificate. our financial situation is extremely strained. my mom earns around RM 1,500 a month, and we live in a super cramped house with my grandparents, my mom, and my two uncles. one uncle is unemployed because of previous physical pain from work, and the other is struggling in KL. there’s literally no space left for him here to come back either. my stepdad is in KL for work and sends my mom money monthly. he’s the kindest person in my family and my last hope for therapy, but he cant come back anytime soon because he has no money and is consumed by work. we are constantly on the verge of being homeless, and im still wearing undergarments from when i was a kid because my family says they are still "usable." the abuse at home the abuse is mostly verbal and emotional, but it leaves me in constant fear and deep self-hatred. growing up, my mom frequently raised her arm at me like she was going to hit me. she explodes and yells loudly over the smallest mistakes. because im naturally a bit slow to find things and have severe vision problems (i had major eye surgery as a baby to prevent blindness and still struggle to see well), she once grabbed my face aggressively and sighed loudly just because i couldn't find a pair of scissors she wanted. she has physically slapped me twice in my life. once in primary school simply because i gently told her to ignore a trash-talking teammate in a mobile game instead of arguing back. another night, she completely disowned me and kicked me out of the room just because i moodily posted a WhatsApp status saying i didn't like the family's singing in the living room. basically my family is verbally and emotionally abusive, and a lot of them caused me severe trauma since childhood. school and exam stress (form 4) i am currently a form 4 student under the sports science stream (sains sukan), and the academic pressure is paralyzing. i originally qualified for the top pure science class, but i had to drop down in february because i couldn't handle it. my mental health took a massive hit that month when i had to step in and prevent a close classmate from sv1c1d3. he is safe now and stopped coming to school, but carrying that heavy trauma caused my own mental state to completely deteriorate. my mid-year exam (PPT) results just came back, and it says i completely failed ("GAGAL") because i failed my core subjects, even though i ranked 6th out of 46 in my class and 32nd out of 392 in my entire form batch. here are my results bahasa inggeris/english: 93 (A+), pjpk: 75 (A-), both sains/science + sains sukan/sport science: 58 (C+) pendidikan islam/islamic education: 54 (C) bahasa melayu/melayu language: 43 (E), sejarah/history: 35 (G - FAIL) matematik/math: 34 (G - FAIL) sains rumah tangga (srt)/home economics: 32 (G - FAIL) these failing grades happened because i had a severe fever during exam week and was forced to do rushed, highly stressful retakes. the retake process was HORRIBLE. i was forced to sit at the back of a form 5 class without warning, missed my recess, and was publicly yelled at by the library teacher for trying to do last-minute revision, which left me staring at my english paper in tears for 30 minutes. (i ended up writing my essay about a song dedicated to a senior/best friend who passed away last year right before finals). the next day, after breaking down in front of a former teacher over everything i was bottling up, my math teacher "playfully" hit me (which actually hurt) and brought me to the teachers' office. i had to sit in the crowded bilik guru, embarrassed and crying for 30 minutes straight, trying to finish my math paper while keeping my tears from soaking the sheet. i ran out of time to finish the easier questions, which is why i got a 34/100 our new principal made a strict rule that starting next year, students who fail their electives or core subjects will be dropped into a lower class stream, which is usually paired with the most disruptive students. between this rule, my unsupportive teachers, and an uncomfortable seatmate who constantly minimizes my feelings (she literally laughed until she cried when my pet hamster died), walking into school next week fills me with pure dread. past school and religious traumas school has always been a source of deep anxiety, compounded by religious trauma. my whole family follows one faith, but im the only one who follows a different one. i was registered for the main religious classes from year 1 to 3 before my grandparents requested a switch to the secular ethics class in year 4. because i was never taught the basics of the religion at home, i struggled severely. in year 2, i was told to wear a white hijab at the surau. i didn't know how to wear it, and though the ustazah kindly helped me, the moment i walked out, the entire class laughed at me hysterically. that public humiliation left me deeply traumatized and terrified of being judged. in year 6, i started posting islamic quotes and videos since they were helpful advice, yet knowing i suffered from nonstop bullying in all my school years, my classmates at the time bullied me because of that, by both religions btw. i was also never supported in my own religion by my family or anyone throughout my life. this vulnerability carried into lower secondary, where a massive misunderstanding over a vague status i posted about self-harm trends was twisted by a problematic student, causing almost the entire female student batch to turn against me, call me horrible names, and target me relentlessly throughout form 1 and form 2. mental and physical health my mind is incredibly messy right now. i don’t want to self-diagnose, but i am suffering heavily. i have developed severe symptoms of what feels like social anxiety, i have an extreme fear of people, find myself terrified to talk to others, and the mere thought of socializing or being perceived in public paralyzes me. over the past few months, i’ve also been dealing with intense mood swings and severe insomnia. im also suffering with symptoms of anorexia since i was young, currently 157cm and 39kg. my body is in constant physical pain too. i was diagnosed with scoliosis in 2023, but my family refused to ever get it checked or treated, and my back has been hurting severely for a week straight now. to make matters worse, i cannot get medical help easily because my family will only ever agree to take me to a clinic or hospital if it is an actual, visible physical health crisis. when things get completely unbearable, i resort to $h, a habit that started in 2025. im ⭐ ving myself more lately and experience daily "dark" thoughts. (please do not reply with standard helpline numbers. i cannot call them due to my home environment, and it will only cause more trouble for me at home. i just want someone to understand.) where i am at rn i am isolating myself from almost all my friends because i don't have the energy to socialize anymore. the only person i really contact is my boyfriend, but we rarely have time for each other because i stay busy doomscrolling or playing games just to cope. i can't go outside to clear my head because i'm not allowed to, plus there are stray dogs outside my house that chase and bite. i want to quit school so badly to escape the suffocation, but i know i will get yelled at further if i do. we are poor, and i feel like if i don't graduate or get an spm certificate, i will have absolutely no future or way to escape my family. but staying feels completely impossible right now. thank you for reading.
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