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Hello everyone... Thai post will be all over the place. I need to vent and also ask some questions about things. Please bear with me, it's sooooo much. I need to vent to strangers because I've vented to people I know irl and at work nonetheless because I had a bad breakdown yesterday. I don't really have a lot of people to talk to because I'm ashamed of what I've allowed to happen so thank you for reading if you are. Anyways, let's get started... I met my ex when I was 20. April 2017. We dated for almost 4 years and broke up in December 2020. I was always loyal, I've never cheated ever, and I pride myself in that. The first half of our relationship had its hard times but mostly was great. We went through a lot together. We broke up because I couldn't deal with his anger anymore which had started to get worse and worse. We also broke up two months after I had a major surgery to have an 13 pound cyst and an ovary removed. It was very bad when we broke up. He specifically told me that he believed I was a whore because of "who I was before we had met" and said I would be jumping on someone else's 🍆 soon. However that was not the case. I stayed depressed for months and one day found out that HE had started dating someone the January of 2021! I was shocked. I remember the feeling. I couldn't believe it. THEN A FEW MONTHS LATER HE CALLED TO TELL ME THEY WERE HAVING A BABY AFTER ONLY 4 MONTHS OF DATING. Ughhhhh I can't believe I took him back at all considering he did this... but I digress (for now at least). After that, I tried my best to move on and forget him. I actually accomplished a lot while we were broke up! Got into art shows and events and really raised my confidence! I have an 11 year old daughter who is not his and back then, my family kept kicking me out and my mother wouldn't let me take her. I didn't really have a place to take myself so I let her stay with my mom because I knew she'd be safe. He helped me out a few times by giving me a place to stay all the times my family kicked me out. I was bouncing around because she would kick me out because my stepdad didn't want "kids" there (by kids I mean me and my oldest but younger than me brother because we were a little more grown than my baby brother). So I would go with him. Then his anger would explode and I'd go back to my mom. I went back to my grandma's when we had broken up in 2020 because my mom said no at first then HE STARTED TEXTING MY GRANDMA, and telling her I was being a wh0re because I posted a foggy mirror pic of me wrapped in a towel with only my eyes on the mirror wiped to see (if that makes sense, can't explain the visual too well). And she believed him and started talking shit to me. So, I went back to my mom. And I was always happy to be back with my older daughter and felt so ashamed that he put such minimal effort into accepting her as part of dating me because she wasn't his... it still kills me to this day.... I stayed at my moms from mid 2021 till August 2024, but that's farther ahead in the story. We were broken up for two and a half years. Then BAM he came back into my life June 2023, and again when my toxic fuxking stepdad was getting my mom to kick me out for the millionth time after trying to make me pay 700 for a extremely tiny room in a place where I couldn't even cook anything because my step dad would be slamming cabinets and having a fit if I did. When we started talking and I can't believe we started talking again I feel so damn stupid. I really do. Anyways, we started talking and a few months in stopped and then started again. And we kept talking but I stayed through him making me cry and being worse than before because he was the love of my life. We moved in together in August 2024 because that's when my mom had kicked me out the last time. Ive had a really good job since 2022 and I get paid amazingly well even better than ever before, and I was able to get tf out of my moms house and I had also gotten sooo much tax $$ that I spent all on getting stuff for this place. I was also paying all the rent, all the bills ( electric, internet, phone, streaming services) minus the sometimes $200 from him 😒 I had no choice though, I didn't and still don't have anywhere else to go. But now im part time because me and him have our daughter together. So he pays more on the rent now. I pay only 630 out of the 1430 we owe due to that being the only $ I have since I still pay all the bills.... I am trying. I have to work part time because I don't have anyone to watch my baby during the day. So I go to work when her father comes home. He makes $22 an hour and his other expenses besides rent are $500 a month for his car and $600 every six months for car insurance. There is gas of course but I always told him why waste gas driving away smoking a bling when you can stay parked in the parking lot of our place ? The landlady doesn't allow it inside and I won't either, but he wastes his money on that in my opinion. Anyways, our baby I've always wanted with him. And my mom won't watch her for me because my older daughter lives there because she doesn't want to live with this man and I understand that. He's a POS and I know she's seen me cry so much before, very intrusive kids are and she has seen it so much... there's soooo much ugh I know it's a lot. Anyways, let me try to shorten this down some and if there's any questions I'd be happy to answer. We started talking, I had no choice but to get a place together so I could have somewhere to live. And I've been trying my best. Through everything I ignored about him I tried so hard to make him not be so mean to me. Then he made me mean too... I hate that I allowed him to take everything from me. He's so verbally abusive. I'm so stupid for getting back with him. Idk what to do but this last weekend it hit me so bad, he won't stop harassing me and calling me names and telling me I'm worthless and all kinds of things. He won't stop threatening to take my baby from me and uses my older daughter to call me a bad mom. I know my older daughter is safe where she is. I feel bad that I didn't really raise her too much but I am happy she's healthy and a straight A student. I'm not completely out of her life, but I wish I could convince her to live with me once I get away from him. I need to start planning sooo much. I just bought furniture and tvs and window ACs for my apartment and it would kill me to go to a woman's shelter and leave everything to him... fuck that. I also have to consider how and who to get help me watch my baby, somewhere extremely trusted and vetted. She has bad separation anxiety because she really loves me, and idk how to deal with that because my older daughter wasn't like that as a baby (I was with her from birth till my mom kicked me out when she was 1 1/2 btw). I also don't drive and idk how I would get to work here in the west suburbs of Illinois. A car is really needed and I'm almost 30, another thing I'm ashamed of. If I had a car that would open so many more doors. I never got one cuz I never wanted to risk it but this next year I might. Ugh I don't know what to do, any advice would help. Thank you so much for reading if you read all this. Thank you all so much.
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